I just got married and I acted as my own wedding planner. It was actually a blast to plan my own wedding since I had the luxury of time. But one thing disturbed me: the wedding site forums. Many brides-to-be ask for advice and many more vent about the drama that inevitably goes along with any wedding. It’s one place you can be guaranteed incredibly swift responses and it can also be a place of harsh judgment and borderline attacks.
Don’t want to change your maiden name to your husband’s name? He sounds like an abusive a**hole and you must not be committed to the marriage.
Upset because a close friend didn’t get you a gift? Get ready to be labelled a petty, appalling human being. But how could she be so rude?
Having a cash bar? How dare you! Guests should never open their wallets!
What? Your 2nd cousin unfriended you because you didn’t invite her? Well, maybe you shouldn’t have opted for that open bar — you should have used that money to open up some more seats — family comes first!
Really, you can’t win so why bother trying?
What struck me most was this: you can be both so wrong and yet so right in just about all situations. Right and wrong only exists because judgment exists. I am 100% positive you can always be right if you want — just find someone who thinks you are. So why do we vent or ask for advice? Sometimes it’s to belong to a community, but often it’s because we can’t hear the voice that matters most.
There is only one person that matters when determining if you’re right or wrong: YOU!
The fear in this is that somehow you are selfish if you follow your own truth and that — gasp — people will judge you for it (and they will — fact of life — you have no control over that).
So how can you set out to please yourself when others count on you? Well, it may seem counterintuitive, but we are all made up of guiding forces called values. Values come from our families, community, experiences, culture, work, education – the list goes on.
Because of our values our version of right and wrong is already taking into account the welfare of those we love. So the next time you find yourself wanting to vent or ask for advice, slow down and see if you can listen more closely to your gut.
1. What story are you telling yourself right now?
2. What’s your body doing right now? Are you breathing faster? Do you feel tingly? Heavy?
3. Say your story out loud while jumping up and down or dancing.
4. What shifted in your story or body?
Some of you may read this and think “Oh boy, this is silly” but in doing the unexpected, we access different parts of our brain and gut and discover the unexpected. In coaching my clients, I have given them pause plenty of times by challenging them to jump around, dance, scream out loud and even curl in a little ball (and btw, I do it right along with them). Being silly and vulnerable is a very powerful way to unlock hidden knowledge so give it a try. I dare you!
Suzanne is deeply fulfilled by authentic connection with people. She chose life coaching to empower others to increase their fulfillment through finding their purpose.
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